


When Skies Are Grey

by winter_scldier



Category: Captain America (Movies)
Genre: Depression, M/M, Mental Breakdown, Self-Doubt, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-07
Updated: 2016-12-10
Packaged: 2018-08-29 14:00:48
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,251
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8492485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/winter_scldier/pseuds/winter_scldier
Summary: "You are my sunshine...My only sunshine...You make me happy, when skies are grey...You'll never know dear...how much I love you...Please don't take, my sunshine away..."





	1. Cloudy Skies

_I'm worthless...I'm so alone...No one would care if they found me dead...I've messed up so many times...and I know the visions...the nightmares...they'll never stop. I'm not not the hero...I'm the villain. And villains never get happy endings..._

I wake up in a cold sweat almost every night, trying to shove away the demons that I feel crawling on my back. I can still hear their screams...their cries of agony and despair as I just sat their, and watch them die. I'm not a good man...and I never will be. I'm the villain in this story...and the villains never get happy endings. 

I've never been a hero. Even before the war, I caused pain everywhere I went. I deserved to die for everything I've done. I'm a monster. So many innocent people would still be alive today if I had just died from the fall...but I fought as hard as I could, for almost twent years. For twenty years I sat in a small room with that doctor, telling me everything was going to be alrighty. For twenty years, I sat humiliated in my own prison cell, waiting for a guard to come by and shoot me in the head. But they never did. Now I'm responsible for hundreds of assassinations in the past seventy years. 

Do you know what that does to a persons sanity? It ruins it. I feel bad for Steve. He puts up with my constant sobbing, my constant suicidal thoughts, my constant complaining about the screams. But my worst is yet to come. I'm on the verge of breaking down, and I'm not sure there's much I can do to stop it. 

If there was a god, I would pray. I would beg for the forgiveness I don't deserve, and tell him just how sorry I really was. But if there was a god, he wouldn't have allowed someone like me to live. He would've struck me down long ago, like I really deserved. A man like me doesn't deserve to be saved. I deserved to be hunted. 

_I deserve to die._


	2. How Much I Love You

I often wondered just how much _shit_ Steve goes through in any given day because of me. He has a journal that he writs in almost everyday. Its an old leather-bound thing from the forties i would guess. Usually he just looks focused, scribbling down whatever he writes very quickly. But every once and awhile, a tear will drip from his blue eyes onto the already wrinkled paper. He never lets me see it though. He acts like it doesn't exist whenever I bring it up. I made my choice that day, and I've regretted ever since.

The first pages were dated back in 1945, shortly after I had fallen. They were nothing more that drawings, but they were drawings of the two of us. The yellowed and nearly ruined pages still showed signs of where his many tears had splashed onto the page, and I couldn't help but cry for him. I had been his everything. His best friend, his role model. And then I left him. And despite every fiber of my being resisting it, I betrayed him. 

He started his writings about two weeks later. His words were full of grief. He spoke of how much he wished wished he would've fallen with me, and how he wished he was dead. But there was a certain passage that ripped my heart from my chest, and threw it to the ground.

_Nothing seems to work. I've tried so many different things, but I'm a goddamn super human. There aren't enough lethal drugs in the whole world that could stop my heart from mourning him. I miss him so much...and it haunts my every waking moment that I couldn't tell him how I really feel. I could never tell him how much I wanted to sit with him, in the cafe just down the road. I never got to tell him how much I wanted to hold his hand, and get lost in his beautiful blue eyes. I never got to tell him that I loved him._

I felt so broken, so lost. I've done so much bad, I can do no good. I can't even smile at a young child at the supermarket without their parents taking them by the hand, and running off, and he still decided to stay with me. To treat me like the human being I no longer was. The human being that I would never be again. He was such a good man, and it broke me even more to know that I could never repay him. I could only make things worse.

_I break everything I touch._


	3. Please Don't Take...

_There comes a time, when every man must pay for his sins, and answer for his crimes against humanity. I guess my day came a little earlier than I thought._

I made a mistake leaving the house that day. It was raining, and I had been locked inside for so long I wanted nothing more than to just **leave.**

He was a young scrawny man that stopped me. He was surprising strong for his size, or I had lost whatever muscle I hoped to have. He shoved me against the wall of an alley, gun pointed straight at my chest. 

He started rambling on and on about how I ruined his life, how I killed his daughter in 2009. 

_I remembered her so clearly, just like the rest of my victims._

_She had long brown hair and green eyes. Her and her mother were just walking down the road, probably coming back from school. But I had a mission. It was only unfortunate timing that the girl started running ahead of her mother. It was only unfortunate timing that placed her right in front of my target that day._

_**But it was to late to change that. The young girl was dead, and as far as I knew so was the mother. They were both so young...** _

My thoughts were cut short when I heard the bang.

I hadn't felt pain like that in a long time. I couldn't breathe, couldn't move. As I was falling to my knees, I felt the man handcuff me to one of the pipes extruding out from the side of the building. He spat and swore at me, before walking back out onto the main road like nothing ever happened, like I wasn't dying from a punctured lung in an alleyway with any means of communication. 

_I felt the tears roll down my face as I attempted to free my flesh hand, but to no avail. My metal arm could do almost nothing to stop the bleeding, and it probably wouldn't stop until I was dead. I couldn't speak, couldn't cry for help. I was hidden, and under the gloomy skies you had to search to see me._

_I lost blood so fast...I could do nothing but watch it pool onto the concrete beneath me, and soak into my black shirt. I could feel my lungs filling up with blood._

The cover of night had fallen when I heard his familiar voice. 

**"Buck!"** I heard Steve shout as he sprinted down the street. I tried and tried to scream back as I heard him coming closer, but I was far too weak. I was on the verge of death, my vision began to fade. 

I tried everything as I heard him get closer. I rattled the chain against the metal pipe, I tried banging against the wall, but he just never seemed to hear it. It was with my final ounce of strength, that I kicked an empty trash bin in front of me out onto the sidewalk. It was only then I heard the footsteps stop. 

I could only praise the lord for a split second before my eyes went dark. I remember hearing the dull sound of the chain snapping, and the feeling of Steve's chilled and damp fingers desperately trying to find my pulse on my neck. I remember hearing the quiet sounds of sirens. 

_**And then everything went silent.** _


	4. My Sunshine Away

_The silence was overwhelming. I wanted to hear, I wanted to see, I wanted to do anything that would make me feel **alive** again. But I had nothing. I was shrouded by the never-ending darkness of death, desperate for a sound._

I remember the terrible pain in my chest, and every sensation flooding back to me. I was lying on a gurney, my soaked hair matted to my forehead, an oxygen mask over my nose and mouth. I could hardly make out the muffled shouts of nurses and doctors as we appeared to be racing down a hallway. 

There was a hand on my chest, attempting to slow the bleeding. Even though my vision was blurry, I could see that he was struggling. I could feel him constantly having to readjust his grip after his hand got slick with my blood.But I recognized that hand. His calloused fingers, firm yet gentle touch. **_It was Steve._** When my vision started to clear a few minutes later, _he_ was the first person I saw. _He_ was the person that saved my life. I reached out to him.

It was to my dismay that I couldn't hold his hand. I felt the gurney slam against some heavy doors, and suddenly Steve stopped following. I tried to look back, to call to him. But even the slightest movement sent a searing pain all throughout my body. I wanted to fight as they slipped a mask over my head. I remember being so scared as my world turned dark again. I thought I was ready to die...I really did. But being surrounded by nothing but darkness and loneliness made me think that maybe there was a chance I could be forgiven. Maybe there was a chance I wouldn't have to live with my sins constantly chasing me down.

_**But that could never happen. Someone, somewhere, would always want me dead. And they would stop at nothing until I was.** _

I was relieved to wake up in a hospital bed in what felt like hours later. My hair was tied back despite the fact that it was still soaking wet. But I still couldn't breathe properly. There was still a mask over my face giving me oxygen, and that would never change. Even the slightest things I would never be able to do by myself again.

I saw Steve staring out the window, watching the endless rain. He turned when he heard me stir, his eyes red and wet with tears. 

"Why?" he asked me. "Why did you leave the house?"

The guilt washed over me. _I felt so bad...I just needed some fresh air..._

But I couldn't tell him that. I couldn't tell him anything. I couldn't speak. I frantically brought my hands to my neck, panic quickly replacing the guilt. I started sobbing, and I couldn't stop. I wanted to scream, to cry out. But I would never be heard again. **And I didn't even know why.** All Steve could do was gently take my flesh hand away from my neck and try to calm me down. He tried to tell me everything was going to be alright, even though I knew they never would be again.

I had just started to calm down when one of the doctors came in with a file, and sat down in a chair by the bed. He went on about my vocal chords being damaged by something to do with the blood loss, but I couldn't handle listening to it. _I only tuned back in when he lowered his voice, and tried to quietly tell Steve that I was going to suffocate to death. That they couldn't stop my lung from filling up with blood._

I broke down after that. _**Why had I been the one to fall? Why had I been the one they kept alive? Why did I have to be the one that had to die a voiceless death with no hope of being saved?**_ I was so angry...so upset. And so was Steve. 

Tears streamed down his face as he asked the doctor how long I had left. 

"Probably no longer than a couple of days," he said. I saw the color drain from Steve's face. I saw his mind race, trying to convince himself he didn't hear what the doctor just said. 

"But it may be more, it may be less. Right now, it just depends on him," he stated gesturing his pen at me. "and how much moving around he does. As miserable as it might sound to him, if he wants to live, he has to lie very still."

He turned and walked out of the room.

He was right though. Had I not squirmed around as much, maybe I could've lasted longer. Maybe I would've had a chance.

I passed away that Sunday, early in the morning. The last thing I heard was Steve's cry out for help as my eyes closed for the last time. I watched from the doorway this time, and I knew my sins had been forgiven. But I wrapped my arm around a sobbing Steve as they tried to save me, and they couldn't. He collapse to his knees when they called the time of death, and I knew it wouldn't be long, until I saw him again.


End file.
